The Lacuna Revisited

 I have the tendency to think the more you have to say the better, the more you have inside you to express and get out the better you're doing with what's going on inside of you. If you have a lot to say you must be feeling a lot, and feeling a lot means you're not stuck and that must be good, right? 

Sometimes I think it is but it's not always. 

The most frustrating thing to me is when I feel as if I have an ocean full of emotions crashing around inside of me and I don't know how to get them out. I sit down and try to write and nothing comes to me or at least not the thing I think I'm looking for. 

I get angry with myself and I start to feel worthless because I can't even use my own words to express the way I'm feeling. I get swept up by another wave and then I'm carried far away from how I felt in the first place. It all started because I thought I should have something to say. I turn the ocean of emotion inside me into a raging storm outside of me and I almost drown in it every single time. And what started as something deep gets more shallow the farther in I go because I still don't seem to know how to just let it be. I could save myself if I would only stand up. The waters not too deep yet.

Maybe one day I'll learn to sit in the lacuna and not try to turn everything into something it's not.

If I could let the silence fill me without the need to fill the silence with me, I think I'd be okay even if it was only for another day. 

The days where I feel like I have things figured out even a little bit are starting to come to me more often and when they come now they feel a little more normal. Not like something I need to hold in a death grip so it doesn't slip away too quickly. 

I feel different.

Sometimes I think we try to pinpoint what made us change, what event or person that made us change and become who we are now. But this time the turning point was me. Yes, other things and people helped but in the beginning it was me and in the end it will always be me who makes the choice. 

I started this blog almost a year ago. I thought I would learn things and I did, just not what I thought I would or in the ways I thought I was supposed to.  The person I was then feels a million miles away from who I am now and I'm not who I thought I'd be but I think that's for the best.

Forever I've been changed... 

Thank you.