Oh Honesty

I'm a liar. 

Truthfully, I think I always have been. 

Telling the truth requires a level of authenticity that I've never quite been comfortable with. Not in a good way at least. I can be honest and up front and tell you what I think about things that don't matter to me. That's easy. 

But if you were to ask me what I was thinking about I wouldn't be able to tell you. I've always been more concerned with who or what people thought I should be. 

I thought I should be fearless so I forced myself to experience things that scared me. I thought I had to be strong and unbreakable so I let no emotions really touch me.  

Looking back I wonder how I survived this long with such a heart of stone. I think I was happy to let misery keep me company and tell myself I didn't need anyone else. 

I told myself I was brave, but I was only running away. I thought being alone would make me stronger, unbreakable, but it only made me weak and more afraid. 

 

I'm afraid of being real with people no matter if it's good or bad. I don't like to show much emotion whether it's happiness, sadness or anger. I fight a battle inside that goes on and on and on until I stop it. Sometimes you just have to grab yourself by the neck and realize how much of a maniac you're being. Sometimes, if you're lucky, someone who loves you can help you see it too. 

There's a better way. 

I'm trying to be more honest about everything. How I'm actually feeling. There are people who want to know you for who you really are... You don't have to hide it anymore and pretend to be something you aren't. These costumes I've been wearing are starting to get real uncomfortable. I think it's time to take them off once and for all.

Sometimes people tell me that I seem so fearless, that I don't let anything stop me from doing what I want. It always causes conflict in me because when I look in the mirror that's not at all what I see. 

I used to live by fake it till you make it but after a while I realized I was never going to make it by living in falsehood. 

I can talk about truth and love but it's all lies. I wander around a city of orphans but I don't belong here.

I know better. I think part of me always has, but now I'm actually learning to be better and doing things differently so that maybe at the end I'll come out with something I've never had before.

Or maybe now it's just that I'm different...At least I certainly hope so because I'm not sure how much longer I can wander in circles blindly.