Whiplash- Part 1 of 3

At times I have to laugh at myself. I feel everything so deeply and when it's good it's great and when it's bad there's no hope left.
I swing so violently from thing to thing that I live in a constant state of whiplash.
 I jump from black hole to black hole hoping each time to come out with something good but I always emerge empty handed. Or maybe it's empty hearted. I start to think that by going where there's nothing I'll be able to create something new but you can't grow healthy seeds in unhealthy dirt.

I think I've been unconsciously looking for the payoff of falling into black holes of despair and emptiness.
It's easy to relapse into something so familiar as another mental breakdown when you know how to pull yourself out of it. More often than not now, I can see the fork in the road and I know what comes next.
 I can either keep my head screwed on right or I can let it loose and then follow my sanity down another rabbit hole that will lead me nowhere and only prolong the inevitable.
 I'm the best at wasting time looking for something that was never lost. I tell myself it's to be thorough and make sure everything is good and right but in the end I know the real truth.
And the truth is, I'm just scared of making a decision. Of putting it all down on the table and seeing what happens.

What I mean by I love the payoff from another mental breakdown is that I love to have something I need to work through and figure out. I don't want to be responsible for making new mistakes when it's easier to try and force some new lessons from the old ones. In simpler words, I would rather float through black holes all day looking for something in the nothing.
Looking for what I've kept safely in my back pocket all along.
I swing so violently from one thing to another that my vision is always blurred between what is and what could be.
I hold my truth in a death grip and turn away from the fact that we create our own reality. That this truth, my truth, could change if I had the mind to do better. Let go of what was and make room for what is.

 I'm always looking for the easy way out by going the long way of what's familiar rather than choosing the road I've never been down before because it scares me.
I wage war with myself and then play both sides.
I know better.
But this way is easier.