When The Masks We Wear Start To Wear Us- Part 2 of 3
The thing about me is that I've always tried to be everything except what I am.
I get all mixed up, caught in guilt and shame about who I want to be and who I think I should be.
I've crafted this costume, this cloak and mask. I patched it together from little pieces of this and that but it fits awkwardly to tell the truth. Too big in some places and tight in all the wrong spots. I don't know if anything I used to make it was real, a cheap knock off at best. I guess I thought if no one looked too closely and the lights were low nobody would be able to see it was a fake.
I think what justified it to me was that even while the costume I wore was fake the person underneath it wasn't trying to be. Not really, I just wanted to find what was really me.
I'm not trying to lead you on or be disingenuous. I'm just trying to figure it out.
Smooth out the rough edges, you know?
The ones that seem to get caught on every little thing and not let go.
The thing is, I'm not as confident as I pretend to be. I put on a front like I know what I'm doing and in a way I guess I do.
I know that I'm lying to everyone. That no one knows who I am unless I want them to and I rarely ever want anyone to. I act like I don't have a guard up and that this detached, callous person is who I am but that's a lie.
The truth is, I like to be in control of things because it makes me feel safe.
I stomp around in this mask and costume practically daring someone to see through me because I just want someone to see me.
But only in the way I want you to see me. And certainly not the real me because I don't even know the real me anymore. That me got lost somewhere along the way.
Somewhere between black hole cruising and the twisted path I created, I lost myself.
I lost who I was meant to be by trying to be someone I wasn't.
I thought this mask was a better option. I thought if I could control the way people saw me I would be in control of who I was. I thought I knew who I needed to be to get through life and if people saw me that way that's who I would turn into eventually.
Fake it till you make it... Right?
Well, I got my wish and I did become something different.
I became harsh and unmoving. I laughed only when things weren't funny and spoke as if everything was beneath me. I said and did things I never imagined I could and I hurt people I should have loved. I thought this person I had created would get through life happy, unhurt and on top of everything.
Soon after that I realized the mask I'd been wearing started to wear me and I became something worse than a fake, I started to become real in my hate.
My balancing act became hard to keep up.
The weight of all the truth I hid inside became too much to take.
The person I saw in the mirror wasn't who I wanted to be and I began to hate the mask I wore even more than I hated myself for creating it in the first place.
I was a flake. Not only did I not have the guts to be authentic, I could no longer muster up the courage I needed to be fake. The hate I felt exhausted me but I couldn't seem to let go of it.
There were others that wore masks similar to mine. I thought they were the ones I belonged with, the ones I could always be "myself" with.
They were for a while and I had what I thought were some of the best times of my life with them.
But after a while I realized I wasn't as much like them as I thought I was. When I wanted to move they wanted to stand still. When I wanted different and better they thought we were fine where we were.
For a time I was torn between what I knew was right and what I thought I wanted.
But the people close to me knew. They knew all along and I wasn't as smart as I thought I was about hiding things.
They would find little threads in my costume and pull at them, trying to uncover what I'd buried deep inside myself.
They never tried to strip me away from what made me feel safe though.
They showed me a patience I didn't know existed. Showed me a love I didn't think I deserved
My mind is a steel trap sometimes and once I get something in my head... Well, there's not much hope for anything else. It takes something as serious as a car crash right in front of my eyes for me to understand the signs sometimes. I don't like to hear what I don't want to especially if it's something I think I don't need.
And let me be honest, if I don't like what a recipe tells me to do I just don't do it. That's how hard headed I am about some things.
I make things harder for myself, I know.
If I would just listen the first time I wouldn't be here, and yet here I am.
There must be another lesson I need to learn.
I think I know best but I don't, and that's the simple and plain truth.
I get all mixed up, caught in guilt and shame about who I want to be and who I think I should be.
I've crafted this costume, this cloak and mask. I patched it together from little pieces of this and that but it fits awkwardly to tell the truth. Too big in some places and tight in all the wrong spots. I don't know if anything I used to make it was real, a cheap knock off at best. I guess I thought if no one looked too closely and the lights were low nobody would be able to see it was a fake.
I think what justified it to me was that even while the costume I wore was fake the person underneath it wasn't trying to be. Not really, I just wanted to find what was really me.
I'm not trying to lead you on or be disingenuous. I'm just trying to figure it out.
Smooth out the rough edges, you know?
The ones that seem to get caught on every little thing and not let go.
The thing is, I'm not as confident as I pretend to be. I put on a front like I know what I'm doing and in a way I guess I do.
I know that I'm lying to everyone. That no one knows who I am unless I want them to and I rarely ever want anyone to. I act like I don't have a guard up and that this detached, callous person is who I am but that's a lie.
The truth is, I like to be in control of things because it makes me feel safe.
I stomp around in this mask and costume practically daring someone to see through me because I just want someone to see me.
But only in the way I want you to see me. And certainly not the real me because I don't even know the real me anymore. That me got lost somewhere along the way.
Somewhere between black hole cruising and the twisted path I created, I lost myself.
I lost who I was meant to be by trying to be someone I wasn't.
I thought this mask was a better option. I thought if I could control the way people saw me I would be in control of who I was. I thought I knew who I needed to be to get through life and if people saw me that way that's who I would turn into eventually.
Fake it till you make it... Right?
Well, I got my wish and I did become something different.
I became harsh and unmoving. I laughed only when things weren't funny and spoke as if everything was beneath me. I said and did things I never imagined I could and I hurt people I should have loved. I thought this person I had created would get through life happy, unhurt and on top of everything.
Soon after that I realized the mask I'd been wearing started to wear me and I became something worse than a fake, I started to become real in my hate.
My balancing act became hard to keep up.
The weight of all the truth I hid inside became too much to take.
The person I saw in the mirror wasn't who I wanted to be and I began to hate the mask I wore even more than I hated myself for creating it in the first place.
I was a flake. Not only did I not have the guts to be authentic, I could no longer muster up the courage I needed to be fake. The hate I felt exhausted me but I couldn't seem to let go of it.
There were others that wore masks similar to mine. I thought they were the ones I belonged with, the ones I could always be "myself" with.
They were for a while and I had what I thought were some of the best times of my life with them.
But after a while I realized I wasn't as much like them as I thought I was. When I wanted to move they wanted to stand still. When I wanted different and better they thought we were fine where we were.
For a time I was torn between what I knew was right and what I thought I wanted.
But the people close to me knew. They knew all along and I wasn't as smart as I thought I was about hiding things.
They would find little threads in my costume and pull at them, trying to uncover what I'd buried deep inside myself.
They never tried to strip me away from what made me feel safe though.
They showed me a patience I didn't know existed. Showed me a love I didn't think I deserved
My mind is a steel trap sometimes and once I get something in my head... Well, there's not much hope for anything else. It takes something as serious as a car crash right in front of my eyes for me to understand the signs sometimes. I don't like to hear what I don't want to especially if it's something I think I don't need.
And let me be honest, if I don't like what a recipe tells me to do I just don't do it. That's how hard headed I am about some things.
I make things harder for myself, I know.
If I would just listen the first time I wouldn't be here, and yet here I am.
There must be another lesson I need to learn.
I think I know best but I don't, and that's the simple and plain truth.
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