I'm So Human Pt.2

As always, I’ve been thinking. 

For a while now I’ve been feeling pretty unsure of what I want to do with my life and who I want to be when I grow up. For some reason this is a really big deal to me and I really wish it wasn’t. There are some people who I feel like just always know who they are. Like they’re born knowing what they want to do. I know that’s not true but sometimes when I look at the people around me that’s all I can see. 

I don’t want to become just another one of the same. I don’t want to run the rat race, just working to make money, to buy a house, support myself or a family. I want my life to mean more than that, my work has to mean something. No amount of money or nice things would mean anything to me if I wasn’t happy and proud of the work I did to get there. I have to do something great or it will mean nothing.  

I think part of us is always looking for more of something, whether it's love, money,  power,understanding, we all look elsewhere.

Sometimes (or maybe always) I'm looking for something more than what I have right now, something that's going to be better than what I had before.

Better point of view, better friends, something better to do with my time and my life. I just jump from thing to thing, life path to life path, hobby to hobby, looking for whatever makes me feel better. 

I’ve become harsh in a way. When something and regrettably, sometimes someone isn’t doing it for me anymore I move along. I don’t mean to do this, but I do it all the same. Maybe I’m still just searching for that thing and I feel like I’m running out of time so I have to make all of it count. And if this is not what’s going to work for me, why stick with it when what I really need is still out there waiting for me? It's not completely flawed but's by no means 100% a good way of thinking either.

I’ve had lots of hobbies and plans I didn't stick with and follow through to the end. Sometimes I think because it really wasn’t right for me and sometimes maybe just because I wasn’t feeling it that day.

Always an eye toward the horizon, looking for what's next, what's going to be better. I never give myself the chance to really settle. 

I wish this wasn’t the truth but to be honest, for the most part, it is. 

I had a thought the other day and it’s taken me several days to really understand what it means to me. 

It’s honestly a terribly jolting thing to think about if you ask me.  

I thought about, What if the last thing I want is the first thing I need? 

Now, let that sink in a minute. 

What’s the last thing you want to happen? That you need to find another job? That you need to break up with someone? That you need to move? What if that’s what was next? What you really needed. What you've known needed to happen but you've been ignoring.

What if I need what I don’t want? Funny how that happens when you're not paying attention.

What if the last thing I want is to really stick with something? What if the universe is telling me I’m getting too old for this shit? What if what I really need is to finish what I started?   

So then I went back to thinking of all the things I left hanging. All the careers I half pursued, the friendships I shouldn’t have left hanging like I did. I left, with it all up in the air. I won't say I wasted time but I wonder if I could have used it a little more wisely.

I need to finish what I start.

How did I get here? What do I do now? 

I'm always looking for the next best thing. I want to throw myself ahead in life into the moment when I have everything figured out. I want so much in life... And the days just keep passing me by and I don't have any better of an idea of what I want to do today than I did yesterday.

I just want to be "there" , where I have everything figured out.

My friend Graham, bless his heart for bearing with me, asked me one day why I thought I would never be “there” or what I even meant by that. So I told him that I had this place in mind, this place I was always wanting to be but only ever caught little glimpses of. This place where I would have it figured out and know what the hell was going on. But I didn’t think I would ever get there. 

He asked If wasn’t it good enough to just be the person that’s always trying to be better and change for the good of themselves? 

I said That’s exactly it.

And I know, I know that. I know that the best I can do is to be better and be the best person I can be. And that has to be good enough for me. I have to except that it's enough.

It is enough.

And enough is enough, the universe said to me, It’s time to finish what you start. 

I rushed through some things I should have taken time to learn. Like myself for one. I was so eager to get ahead IN life that I tried to get ahead OF life. I forgot to remember who I was and who I wanted to be and I feel like that’s only left me more behind. I wanted so badly to just have it figured out I tried to skip over some parts. My plan was to have no plan and I don't think I need to say again how terribly that's worked out for me so far.

Graham inspires me.

He knows what he wants and where he's going, what he believes in, he knows who he is.

He has a plan.

He inspires me to make plans.

I learned in writing class a few weeks ago that stories have a plot for a reason, if we had no plot the story would happen all at once and there’s a reason why things happen the way they happen in the time they happen in. It might take a long time, longer than we expected or wanted but at least it didn’t happen all at once. 

Can you imagine if all of life came crashing down on us at once? Then we really would be hopeless. Life has to happen in stages, in phases, in cycles.

I watch my younger brother now and think of how little I knew at his age, I think of how little I still know now and I wonder what the rush was. Maybe if I’d slowed down enough to really figure out who I wanted to be I wouldn't be here now. 

I wonder why I can’t just figure my shit out. People tell me I’m young, I have all the time in the world to figure it all out, that there’s no rush...

 And I tell them I know, I’m so young, I have time… But that’s not what it feels like. 

I wonder how much time I really have if I don’t ever finish things. If I don’t actually follow through and see something to the end how will I know? How will I be any closer to knowing who I am and who I want to be if I never make myself finish things? 

If I leave every last chapter half read I’ll never understand the ending. 

So, to come back to what led me here to write this in the first place, 

What if I needed the last thing I wanted? 

I think sometimes we willfully ignore what’s in front of us because its not what we want. We just blame it on the bad lighting or that we don't have our glasses on as to why we can't see what's right in front of our faces. You can’t just ignore the parts you want to and still move on in life. You can try but it won't do much good. You have to learn the whole lesson and until you do the universe will keep bringing it back around to you until you finally see the lesson, until you finally listen.

Life has a way of making sure you get what you need not what you want.