Be Careful What You Wish For
When I was younger I used to dream about how my life was going to go. I had it all planned out in the best, most informed way a 10 year old can plan a life. I had so many things I wanted to do and be and then I guess around then is when my anxiety stepped in.
As I got older I began to think my dreams were silly and unreachable or just plain wrong. I stopped having those dreams because I was scared. I thought that if I wanted something too bad or I thought of it too much I wouldn't get it. That somehow the universe or god would think I was unworthy. I thought I wouldn't deserve it because I thought of it too much.
So I swung in the opposite direction.
I threw everything out. No more dreams for me. Whatever comes may come and it doesn't matter what I want or thought I wanted. I was not going to let myself be set up for failure. I was not going to break my own heart by setting my goals and dreams too big.
I met an author downtown the other day.
I stood in front of a small shelf of books, and looking at them I noticed they all had the same name on the cover.
I hear a voice behind me say "If you want to purchase one of those I'd be happy to sign it for you."
I looked at the back of the book I had in my hand to the small picture of the author and when I looked back up I realize that I was looking at the man who wrote all these books on the shelf next to me.
In all honesty, I was a little awestruck.
Truthfully I'd never heard of this man or his books but something about holding a book, and standing next to the person who wrote it was a little intimidating.
He'd done it.
What most every writer wants, to have their work published, to see their books on a shelf for people to hold and purchase and read.
I've thought about this a lot since it happened so I don't remember exactly what he said or the order of the things he said but I do remember he said something like this:
"I thought about having my own little shelf of books when I was younger, thought about it a lot and now I have it. But sometimes it's kinda like 'what now?' you know? I guess I say that to say be careful what you wish for. But that was my dream and it came true and I hope all your dreams come true as well."
I felt slightly jolted, my way of thinking had been altered by what this man said in 30 seconds and I didn't like how that felt.
I found it hard to look him in the eye. I felt like he'd see right through me and that terrified me because if this mans dreams came true whats stopping mine from coming true also?
I wonder, do we dream of things we really truly want or do we only dream of the things we think we can accomplish? The things we know for sure we can make happen. Are we scared of really trying and failing miserably? Or is that just me? Would I really rather wish for small things that I know I can accomplish than try for the big things that have an unknown ending but its what I really want? When I write it out like this it breaks my heart. Am I really so weak?
I bought a book of short stories by the man and he signed it for me and inscribed "May all your dreams come true like mine!"
The whole rest of the night I was in a mood I don't know how to explain.
I have this terrible condition where I think I'm a 80 year old woman who is a complete failure because of her lack of a career that meant something when in reality I'm not even 20 yet.
Isn't that the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard?
I throw myself into fits of hopeless, self-loathing anger sometimes. I feel like everything is wrong and nothing can ever be right again. I turn into a raging maniac on the inside but on the outside I force myself to be fine.
I'm not a calm level headed person and not a lunatic either.
I've written about wanting to find balance before but right now I feel like I'm stuck in a middle I don't want to be in. I don't want to be here. Not like this.
I think the truth is that I don't know what I want to be but I decided a long time ago who I wasn't ever going to be and I became so hellbent on never being that person I became someone so much worse.
I became someone who lives out of fear. I'm scared I'll never become who I want to be, I'm scared to even dream.
What if they didn't come true? What if they did?
Someone once said to me while I was having my identity crisis of the month that while I didn't think I knew who I was, I looked exactly like someone who knew who they were.
On that day I was proud that while on the inside I felt like I was falling apart, on the outside nobody knew.
But today I wish I wasn't so fake. That I wasn't so afraid to let people see that I'm not always okay.
I got so caught up in not becoming who I thought I didn't want to be, I forgot to figure out who it is that I do want to be.
I'm a maniac sometimes, and I'm so human.
I'm so afraid of failing. Of never becoming 100% who I want to be, never fulfilling my dreams.
I wanted to be so many things... I honestly think it would have been better to become who I didn't want to be than to become someone who doesn't dream. Especially someone like me... I had a plan. I knew what I wanted but I got scared.
I started to hate myself for these things. I became worthless, good for nothing. A low life that got exactly what she deserved which was nothing.
I was full of so many negative emotions that really just make you empty.
The whole world daunted me, like blank page waiting to be filled.
It stared back at me.
Waiting, watching, wondering what I would do next.
I saw everything through a fog, nothing made sense, and nothing would ever be alright again.
Then I started looking for something to fill me up. Looking back now I think what I was looking for was my dreams,my identity, my creation. Without them I am nothing. Just a person with no ambition, no goals, nothing to look forward to. I became someone who just floated through life without looking forward to anything because I was too afraid to fail and get my heart broken.
I gave up my dreams for some cockeyed belief that I would never succeed and I would always fail.
I thought myself nothing and I guess I was nothing without anything that made me who I am.
How blind I was.
How blessed I am now to finally see.
Be careful what you wish for sometimes sounds threatening to me, like a harsh warning.
Be careful or else... But does it really help? I don't know that it always does. Don't we have to make our own mistakes? Do we always know what we want? Or in order to figure it out do we have to wish for and get the wrong thing?
And being careful what we wish for... Does that discourage us from wishing at all in fear its the wrong thing?
Or do we still blunder through life anyway, wishing for everything and nothing all at once, hoping its the right thing to get us where we want to be.
As I got older I began to think my dreams were silly and unreachable or just plain wrong. I stopped having those dreams because I was scared. I thought that if I wanted something too bad or I thought of it too much I wouldn't get it. That somehow the universe or god would think I was unworthy. I thought I wouldn't deserve it because I thought of it too much.
So I swung in the opposite direction.
I threw everything out. No more dreams for me. Whatever comes may come and it doesn't matter what I want or thought I wanted. I was not going to let myself be set up for failure. I was not going to break my own heart by setting my goals and dreams too big.
I met an author downtown the other day.
I stood in front of a small shelf of books, and looking at them I noticed they all had the same name on the cover.
I hear a voice behind me say "If you want to purchase one of those I'd be happy to sign it for you."
I looked at the back of the book I had in my hand to the small picture of the author and when I looked back up I realize that I was looking at the man who wrote all these books on the shelf next to me.
In all honesty, I was a little awestruck.
Truthfully I'd never heard of this man or his books but something about holding a book, and standing next to the person who wrote it was a little intimidating.
He'd done it.
What most every writer wants, to have their work published, to see their books on a shelf for people to hold and purchase and read.
I've thought about this a lot since it happened so I don't remember exactly what he said or the order of the things he said but I do remember he said something like this:
"I thought about having my own little shelf of books when I was younger, thought about it a lot and now I have it. But sometimes it's kinda like 'what now?' you know? I guess I say that to say be careful what you wish for. But that was my dream and it came true and I hope all your dreams come true as well."
I felt slightly jolted, my way of thinking had been altered by what this man said in 30 seconds and I didn't like how that felt.
I found it hard to look him in the eye. I felt like he'd see right through me and that terrified me because if this mans dreams came true whats stopping mine from coming true also?
I wonder, do we dream of things we really truly want or do we only dream of the things we think we can accomplish? The things we know for sure we can make happen. Are we scared of really trying and failing miserably? Or is that just me? Would I really rather wish for small things that I know I can accomplish than try for the big things that have an unknown ending but its what I really want? When I write it out like this it breaks my heart. Am I really so weak?
I bought a book of short stories by the man and he signed it for me and inscribed "May all your dreams come true like mine!"
The whole rest of the night I was in a mood I don't know how to explain.
I have this terrible condition where I think I'm a 80 year old woman who is a complete failure because of her lack of a career that meant something when in reality I'm not even 20 yet.
Isn't that the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard?
I throw myself into fits of hopeless, self-loathing anger sometimes. I feel like everything is wrong and nothing can ever be right again. I turn into a raging maniac on the inside but on the outside I force myself to be fine.
I'm not a calm level headed person and not a lunatic either.
I've written about wanting to find balance before but right now I feel like I'm stuck in a middle I don't want to be in. I don't want to be here. Not like this.
I think the truth is that I don't know what I want to be but I decided a long time ago who I wasn't ever going to be and I became so hellbent on never being that person I became someone so much worse.
I became someone who lives out of fear. I'm scared I'll never become who I want to be, I'm scared to even dream.
What if they didn't come true? What if they did?
Someone once said to me while I was having my identity crisis of the month that while I didn't think I knew who I was, I looked exactly like someone who knew who they were.
On that day I was proud that while on the inside I felt like I was falling apart, on the outside nobody knew.
But today I wish I wasn't so fake. That I wasn't so afraid to let people see that I'm not always okay.
I got so caught up in not becoming who I thought I didn't want to be, I forgot to figure out who it is that I do want to be.
I'm a maniac sometimes, and I'm so human.
I'm so afraid of failing. Of never becoming 100% who I want to be, never fulfilling my dreams.
I wanted to be so many things... I honestly think it would have been better to become who I didn't want to be than to become someone who doesn't dream. Especially someone like me... I had a plan. I knew what I wanted but I got scared.
I started to hate myself for these things. I became worthless, good for nothing. A low life that got exactly what she deserved which was nothing.
I was full of so many negative emotions that really just make you empty.
The whole world daunted me, like blank page waiting to be filled.
It stared back at me.
Waiting, watching, wondering what I would do next.
I saw everything through a fog, nothing made sense, and nothing would ever be alright again.
Then I started looking for something to fill me up. Looking back now I think what I was looking for was my dreams,my identity, my creation. Without them I am nothing. Just a person with no ambition, no goals, nothing to look forward to. I became someone who just floated through life without looking forward to anything because I was too afraid to fail and get my heart broken.
I gave up my dreams for some cockeyed belief that I would never succeed and I would always fail.
I thought myself nothing and I guess I was nothing without anything that made me who I am.
How blind I was.
How blessed I am now to finally see.
Be careful what you wish for sometimes sounds threatening to me, like a harsh warning.
Be careful or else... But does it really help? I don't know that it always does. Don't we have to make our own mistakes? Do we always know what we want? Or in order to figure it out do we have to wish for and get the wrong thing?
And being careful what we wish for... Does that discourage us from wishing at all in fear its the wrong thing?
Or do we still blunder through life anyway, wishing for everything and nothing all at once, hoping its the right thing to get us where we want to be.
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