I'm So Human
Lately I've had to think a lot about mercy and compassion and how exactly to show it to myself as well as others. It's something I don't think I'm very good at most of the time or something that I practice enough of.
I'm also realizing that I'll never be "there". I will never have it figured out and know what it feels like to have come through it all and to have made it to the other side. There will always be something more to understand, one more lesson to learn. That I will never be perfect at anything no matter how much I practice it because practice makes practice, not perfect. I will never make it to who I want to be... But I can be kind to myself on the way there, be ever evolving and changing to be more like who I want to be and show myself mercy when I make a mess of things.
When I was younger I was taught to be the bigger person. To turn the other cheek, to forgive 70x7. As I got older I felt like I didn't know how to be angry and I felt that unfair because everyone around me was able to fly into these fits of anger and I couldn't, simply because I never knew how to.
In my younger teenage years as I grew I seemed to throw that piece of myself away because I thought it wasn't anything I needed to keep because what good is a life lived when you can't be angry? When you can't show and express all the emotions you think you should have the right to feel?
So, I got angry. I let anger take control and run wild in me. I found things to be angry about, things I felt were worth fighting for, and while I did that I forgot how to show mercy, I forgot how to turn the other cheek when someone was only lashing out in their own personal pain that had nothing to do with me, I felt as if I should be allowed to lash out as well instead of simply turning the other cheek. Even though I knew better I wanted to forget that a Kind answer turns away wrath. Though, now I think when I was young, I just didn't have anything worth being angry about and if I'd slowed down enough to let myself grow up I'd find something worthy of my anger in its own natural time.
In all of that young, blind rage I hurt people I should only have held love for, and while I don't want to live with regret because I think its useless, I am sorry for some of the things I said and did...
I'm also realizing that I'll never be "there". I will never have it figured out and know what it feels like to have come through it all and to have made it to the other side. There will always be something more to understand, one more lesson to learn. That I will never be perfect at anything no matter how much I practice it because practice makes practice, not perfect. I will never make it to who I want to be... But I can be kind to myself on the way there, be ever evolving and changing to be more like who I want to be and show myself mercy when I make a mess of things.
When I was younger I was taught to be the bigger person. To turn the other cheek, to forgive 70x7. As I got older I felt like I didn't know how to be angry and I felt that unfair because everyone around me was able to fly into these fits of anger and I couldn't, simply because I never knew how to.
In my younger teenage years as I grew I seemed to throw that piece of myself away because I thought it wasn't anything I needed to keep because what good is a life lived when you can't be angry? When you can't show and express all the emotions you think you should have the right to feel?
So, I got angry. I let anger take control and run wild in me. I found things to be angry about, things I felt were worth fighting for, and while I did that I forgot how to show mercy, I forgot how to turn the other cheek when someone was only lashing out in their own personal pain that had nothing to do with me, I felt as if I should be allowed to lash out as well instead of simply turning the other cheek. Even though I knew better I wanted to forget that a Kind answer turns away wrath. Though, now I think when I was young, I just didn't have anything worth being angry about and if I'd slowed down enough to let myself grow up I'd find something worthy of my anger in its own natural time.
In all of that young, blind rage I hurt people I should only have held love for, and while I don't want to live with regret because I think its useless, I am sorry for some of the things I said and did...
But in that time I learned so many things about myself and who I didn't want to be. I felt like I had to really take my life into my own hands and be whatever I wanted to be. Sometimes the outfits I tried on to see if they fit who I was then didn't work and were just plain silly, but I learned so much and I wouldn't change a thing because eventually I got to where I needed to be.
I'm grateful to the people who loved and cared for me in that time. For the friends I made then and how they helped me to see things differently. We were all just stumbling around in the dark trying to find the way to where we wanted to be. Trying to find our way back home and to who we really were. We all found each other with our little pieces of truth that we held on to for dear life because that's what we knew, what we thought was everything we needed to base our lives on, and god forbid those ideas we had were wrong.
I knew so little but I thought I knew so much. I thought that was it, that was as good as it was going to get and nothing could ever compare to how happy I thought I was then. Those were such low times in my life I really had no idea what it meant to be high but I'm happy to say I know better now. I'm happy to know a better version of how my life can be, filled with things other than my hurts and angers, full of more love that really matters.
I learned that you can't miss out on things that are meant for you but sometimes you can delay them by trying to have something that's meant for someone else or trying to hold on to something old that's ready to be let go. I learned to not grasp at whatever's in front of me because that's all that's there in that moment. Whatever it is that's meant to be, it's coming.
Looking back I honestly can't remember what I was thinking but I obviously needed to think and feel it in order to learn the things I did and to figure out who I wasn't.
I say all that to say that in reality I do know how to be angry and I have all the potential to hold grudges and be blind to all the forgiveness there is right in front of me for me to give to others and when needed, to give to myself. But who I used to be isn't who I have to be now even though I think there's still a part of me that likes to try on different things, just to see if it fits, just to see if its me. Most of them aren't and they don't fit but sometimes they do and I keep them for a season until its time try on something new.
As unjustified as I thought it was at the time I'm glad I was taught to control my anger when I was young even though for some reason I thought that meant I wasn't allowed to feel it. I don't know that I'll ever figure out why I used to think about things the way I did but it doesn't really matter now.
I'm grateful to the people who loved and cared for me in that time. For the friends I made then and how they helped me to see things differently. We were all just stumbling around in the dark trying to find the way to where we wanted to be. Trying to find our way back home and to who we really were. We all found each other with our little pieces of truth that we held on to for dear life because that's what we knew, what we thought was everything we needed to base our lives on, and god forbid those ideas we had were wrong.
I knew so little but I thought I knew so much. I thought that was it, that was as good as it was going to get and nothing could ever compare to how happy I thought I was then. Those were such low times in my life I really had no idea what it meant to be high but I'm happy to say I know better now. I'm happy to know a better version of how my life can be, filled with things other than my hurts and angers, full of more love that really matters.
I learned that you can't miss out on things that are meant for you but sometimes you can delay them by trying to have something that's meant for someone else or trying to hold on to something old that's ready to be let go. I learned to not grasp at whatever's in front of me because that's all that's there in that moment. Whatever it is that's meant to be, it's coming.
Looking back I honestly can't remember what I was thinking but I obviously needed to think and feel it in order to learn the things I did and to figure out who I wasn't.
I say all that to say that in reality I do know how to be angry and I have all the potential to hold grudges and be blind to all the forgiveness there is right in front of me for me to give to others and when needed, to give to myself. But who I used to be isn't who I have to be now even though I think there's still a part of me that likes to try on different things, just to see if it fits, just to see if its me. Most of them aren't and they don't fit but sometimes they do and I keep them for a season until its time try on something new.
As unjustified as I thought it was at the time I'm glad I was taught to control my anger when I was young even though for some reason I thought that meant I wasn't allowed to feel it. I don't know that I'll ever figure out why I used to think about things the way I did but it doesn't really matter now.
I was taught to forgive and to let go and move on without hate and to leave my anger behind. There was no place for it then and I certainly have no place for it now.
I'm starting to move back towards that, to forgiving 70x7 and really learning what mercy means for others as well as what it feels like for myself.
I'm starting to move back towards that, to forgiving 70x7 and really learning what mercy means for others as well as what it feels like for myself.
Dig. I love you :-)
ReplyDeleteLove you too Ma👣💕
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