November 12, 2012

I've been trying to write this for days and I just haven't known exactly  what I wanted to say.
There are many things I could say about my grandfather. I could talk about how sad I was when he first died or how for the first few years after his passing I was terrified I would never make him proud, I could write about who he was, or I could simply remember him and all the things that he did that make me smile. But none of those things are what his death means to me anymore. I think I've finally settled on writing about what it is that he left behind.
I was young when he died but old enough to know and remember him. I know the man I remember isn't the person that everyone who knew him remembers. Some remember a better man and some remember a worse one. I think the thing about life though is that no matter how much good you did or how many people you helped you're still the bad guy in someone's story. No matter what you do to try and help them, no matter how much good you do, sometimes you're still the bad guy and I think he knew that and still did all he could for people. Like he used to say: SW,SW,SW,SW. "Some will, some won't; so what- someone's waiting." I can hear him saying it now. My grandfather was many things to many people but I know for some he was a lifesaver, a life changer at the very least. I think  he did the best he could with what he had and I love him for that.

He used to talk about legacy and what would continue on when he was gone, what would be left behind. I had to think about what he left behind in me, what he taught me during our time together and what that meant to me now that he was gone. It makes me think of the story about the little boy and the starfish...

"One day an old man was walking along the ocean and the sand was covered with starfish as far as you could see, just miles of them washed up on the shore. As he continues to walk on he comes a little boy picking up the starfish and throwing them back into the water. The old man asks him what he's doing and why and the little boy replies " I'm throwing these starfish back. They got washed in with high tide and if  I don't throw them back to sea they'll all die."
The man laughs and says " Well, kid, there are hundreds of starfish along this beach and you can't possibly save them all. What you're doing doesn't even make a difference! It doesn't matter."
The little boy listens to what he has to say and then he picks up another starfish and says to the old man " It matters to this one." And he throws it back in to the water."


What you leave behind may be small and insignificant to most but it matters to the one you helped.

It matters to this one... In a way I had never really thought about what his legacy meant to me and what my part in that was until I sat down to write this. Whether its just the way I am or how I was raised to be, I've loved everyone who ever walked through our front door.
What he left behind for me to carry on was love. I don't know why it was never this clear to me how much he really loved me. It was never about me doing things that would make him proud but about me doing things that made me me that made him proud. I'm proud to be his granddaughter. I'm proud to be the third generation and to raise up the fourth, the generation of exponential gain. I'm proud to learn from him in life and in death.
After the rain behind my glasses clears I'll be able to finish what I started.

I don't know what else I can say besides that. What was in his heart still beats in mine. It's all I know. This is my heart's cry.


Matthew 9 : 10-13

"Later when Jesus was eating supper at Matthew's house with his close followers, a lot of disreputable characters came and joined them. When the Pharisees saw him keeping this kind of company, they had a fit, and lit into Jesus' followers. "What kind of example is this from your Teacher, acting cozy with crooks and riffraff?"
Jesus overhearing, shot back, "Who needs a doctor: the healthy or the sick? Go figure out what this Scripture means ; " I'm after mercy not religion. I'm here to invite outsiders, not coddle insiders."


Thanks for everything you taught me, Popi. I'll see you further on up the road.
 I love you.

Douglas Lowe; 1952-2012

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9wrBX6S1yM